two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
