I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize