I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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