I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
