I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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