There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
