i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
