About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
