Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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