my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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