the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
