So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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