All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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