i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize