Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
