I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
