She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
