You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
