I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
