**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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