Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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