How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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