I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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