I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
