I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
COCAINE IS GR8
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
