paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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