I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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