He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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