Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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