She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
