Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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