I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
