when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
