I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
