I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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