Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
