Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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