i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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