They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
