Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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