Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
