I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
