My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So many bounce houses so little time
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
