I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
