I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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