you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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