I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
