Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I want to be your penis for a week.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
