You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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