Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
