There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
