I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
