i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize