Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize