Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
