while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
