I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
