On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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