the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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