if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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