You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize