You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
