I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
