you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm getting married
To pizza
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
