i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize