Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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