i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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